This little heart of mine

I need to get this off my chest, and him off my mind. I seriously think a little alien has taken over my brain and put in a "girl" chip. I have never been this kind of girl. I feel weak and stupid. I just want him to see me and want me. Want me beyond sex. I feel like that will never happen...no not feel I know it wont. He is a little boy in a 21 year old body. Yup 21 today actually, and my stupid self wished him happy birthday. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to feel this way. Its like my heart is not its self anymore. All I think about is him, my dreams have him in them, I want to bring him up in convo, I want to hang out with her just so I can see him and hope he said something to me, and realizes how amazing I am. I would be such an amazing girlfriend. Who cares if he has a tiny penis, I really don't. I would except his flaws, but I guess that only makes one of us. I was free of him renting space in my head only 2 short months ago. Now he is always in every thought I think. Every where I go things remind me of him. His stupid truck that I see every where. The way he dresses , his stupid beard, that smile, and laugh, his little smirk, and those damn eyes. His big kissable lips. Everything reminds me of him. I need someone new, or the last 2 months erased from my memory. I never thought I would be this kind of girl, its like the asshole has this hold on me. I never understood how my friends could be so stupid when it came to boys, and now... now I do. I am just like them, a weak hopeless girl. Wishing that he was different, and knowing he isn't but have faith and hope that he will and can change. I feel like I am in a trans and numb emotional driven trans.

Revengeful Lust

Im always right. I know that, that sounds sooo conceded but its true. I was right that I was Andy's revenge, sean had a new girl, that Ivan would show up at starbucks, that our friendship with all the boys was going to end. I am always right. The sucky part is I am right in all the wrong realms of my life. I am never right about happy shit. Today I got promoted and had my second day of rushing. But the moment I am not surrounded by people I fall back into my hole. I feel lonely and used. I have never been wanted for anything more then what I could give someone. I let my stupid guard down and I GET FUCKING USED EVERY FUCKING TIME! I feel so stupid, like I am forever to be used. Men look at me, but its with these eyes of lust. Never as love a interest, nothing beyond sex. I sometime wish I would never have known how amazing life can feel, how amazing it is to be kissed and cuddle. I dont believe in love even more then before. All guys what the same thing nothing more. I see men as scum. And the worst part is I have to see my scum all the fucking time. FUCK I DO IT TO MYSELF, just hoping he will realize how amazing I am how cute I am how much he should be with me. But it wont happen I will always be the hook up, the revenge, the easy one...I hate myself.

I want...

I got what I wanted again. You see I really liked this boy for well... pretty much all of high school. He was one of my best friends older brother. I reallllyyy liked him, like he was the one that broke my heart without even trying. I made him out to be this person in my head and that person broke my heart. Well on the 14 my friend had a little shin dig at her house and he was there. I had one to many and ended up in his room with him. I can't believe no one tried stopping me. I did a little to much (I still have my V card). I guess the lesson for me this summer was "What you want, isn't always what you expect it to be". I fantasied about him. How we would go on a date of mini golf. He would put his arms around me and we would kiss, then after a little time we would fool around. WELL BOY WAS I WRONG. I blame drunk me for this. I just really want a boy who will want to mini golf with me on the first date and not try and get head. I want a boy who will tell me to go to sleep when I have drank to much, and will just let me fall asleep on his chest. I want a man. I guess as my tattoo said "Everything Happens For A Reason".

I start College in a few hours. Its kinda strange to think about. High school ended for me and life really did begin. I had to pay bills, started smoking, all I did was work and hang out with friends, got rejected for my only love (CSz), Hooked up with people ( sober and drunk). Well I have a resolution. Lets call it my summer one. I never did make a new years one... Well my resolution is... No more living in the past. This is my future. I will make friends. I will RUSH. I will take my life in my hands, and I will be okay with were it goes from here. Cuz there is a reason I did not get what I wanted in some areas of my life. There is a plan for me and I am traveling on it. So college here is to you. May we get along and you teach me and I will teach you.

Cheers to the future of this 18 year old child.

Do you dapple in depression?

I guess this is what you get then you want. Maybe buddha was a genius. When you don't want you don't feel the crushing blow that happens when you don't get it. I finally got what I wanted and you know where that let me... right here writing about how down I am. I feel low and stupid. I AM NEVER THE GIRL THAT FEELS STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS. I am the rock, the stone hearted bitch. I am not the girl that gets hurt. The only nice thing is I have gotten some art jump from this all. I am writing again, painting, creating. Maybe I am just too deep for love, or even a normal relationship. I think I thrive on pain and misery. I know its a fucked up thing to say but its true. I am so accustom to these feeling that I feel like I am home again. I don't really have any reason to exist right now. I dont have a team that needs me. I don't have a boy. or classes I have to do work for. My job sucks. My household is falling apart. I graduated high school and got shoved into sorrow. I am a grown up with nothing to look forward to. I guess this is why adults look so miserable. I am one of them now. A miserable human, that smokes to keep my self calm. I just want a cigg and song playing. Those are my happiness now. O joy what has my life become?

ChChChChanges

Last night I got what I wanted. Let me start by saying that I have never had the best luck with boys or men, I am the one they just look right through. Normally when I like someone I get to like from a far, I wish that they would like me, I daydream about how it would be if we went out or if we kissed or cuddled. But last night that normal dream came true. I thought today I would be so happy like living in bliss...But im not. I am second guessing everything wondering why isn't he texting me, and blah blah blah. Something doesn't feel right about all this. I have this bad feeling and maybe im just second guessing my self, maybe its self sabotage or maybe I just don't like being happy. Honestly I want to be able to enjoy these moments, but instead I am sitting here writing down all my thoughts about how unsure I am. I am 18 just graduated high school, just went to prom had all those high school last and now my adult life starts and this is what is thrown at me. I am not saying I am not happy, I am fucking stoked beyond belief! I finally got what I wanted, a guy that I have like for months now. Have facebook stocked (kinda sorta) for months now. I guess I don't deal well with getting what I want or happiness or any of that normal stuff. I just want to be happy, I think this is the first time I have ever ranted about a boy like this. I just want to be happy and back to myself but with maybe someone new with me.

Not like It was before.

“To die would be an awfully big adventure.” -Peter Pan, J. M. Barie

My bestie and I just got out of school for the summer and decided to have an adventure. So, we hopped in the car and drove 4 hours to the beach. Every night we’ve done something crazier than the night before. Night 4 was get tattoos." -http://fuckyeahtattoos.tumblr.com/

I liked life before life got in the way.

I have started questioning my life, and my friends. Its making things complicated. I want a friendship like above, not like what I have.

Not the norm

I don't feel poetic tonight. I just have something to say, I miss the day when having a boy in your life was not, the only thing people could talk to you about. Sorry I am not some boy crazy girl, with my head in the relationship clouds. I have more important things in my life going on. I have not closed that door promise, I have just stopped staring at it all the time waiting for prince charming to burst in and sweep me off my feet. I have a life to live while ima waiting for my future man. I just wish the people around me would learn to except that. Not every conversation needs to be about boys, there is a whole world out there, with lots of shit in it. LIVE FOR THOSE THINGS, NOT FOR THAT PERSON.

Hold my head up high.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all.-Emily Dickinson

The quote above is a tattoo I am thinking about getting, it would have a feather with it.

Its been awhile, So there is so much to cover. Lets see... I am now 18 and have my first tattoo. Its the picture above:) I finally got a job, I now work at Michael's. I guess I have been in a happy state of mind, because I haven't been writing on here. I have been writing alot of poetry lately. Thats been nice. I am also began doing alot of things on my own. I found out I like to do things on my own, I guess I am good alone. There has also been a large amount of realizations in the past weeks... Like I really have no desire for a guy at this time in my life I have to many other things going on, I really can't stand one of my best friends (even on my birthday she had to make it about her), I am so scared for college but it will be amazing!, and I am just fed up with the people in my life. O and I finally filled out my housing form for my college! I am soooo excited for that!

-meliss

I'll take happiness in an Extra Large

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.
-Thomas Merton

So today I went and bought some art supplies, and decided I wanted to take a drive. So I did, and I pulled over to look at the damage of my beautiful canyon, I live were the "Station Fire" happened, and the canyon I grew up in is now gone, just a newly formed blank canvas for the next generation in my town to watch be painted. Mother Natures got a temper, but hey don't all women? I don't think if we called if "Father Nature" it would make sense, because in some paradoxical way, the damage done has still left such beauty. I had to pull over to see it up close and I met a man, and artist and we talked. I was nice to have some human connection outside of my "norm". I have been in very dark thoughts lately, obsessing over things outside my control, people that arn't living to my expectations. I have just been getting lost in my thoughts. But today kinda cleared some of those thoughts. I realized that for the moment, I need to see that maybe this distance between my best friend and I is inevitable and its going to happen whether I like it or not. So all I can do is be her friend the only way I know how and start branching out of my "norm". So I am going to take these realizations and try them out tonight when I am with my friends. I can't do this to myself, I deserve to be happy to feel content, and I need now to figure out how to do that. That is my new goal, is to find out how to stay happy for longer periods of time. - meliss

Happy Patience

Find patience in the breath of life.

-Ryunosuke Satoro

I think I look for reasons to not be happy. I don't think I know how to be happy, or how to except happiness in to my life. I think that we are all programed a certain way and I was just programed with a little to many sad microchips. I really try and tell myself to be happy, I do. I try and start the day with "today you will be happy, you will not let the world get to you as much as normal", but then it does and I end the day on here... talking about how I hate life and the sadness in it. I wonder why I am this way, why I think so much. Why I care about people so much, and why I can't express it to them. I always just come off anger and defensive. I just wish people could read my thoughts as they go through my head so they could see my emotions and see that I truly mean well in the end. I just wish I wasn't such a "deep" person. It hurts to much to be "deep". I wish I didn't fuck up and say shit I didn't mean cuz its hard to take back words. There is no backspace in life, if there was my would be worn and damn near broken. I have a lot of thing I would change about myself, and pretty much all of them are inward things. I don't see physical things as much, I know that I have way more to work on in the inside then the out. I wish I could go to emotional rehab. I really don't think I can do all this on my own. I am pretty sure that, part of the reason I want to go to college so far away is to run away from myself. I know that I can reinvent myself 700 mile away. I can be a whole new me. I can leave behind these people and their pettiness that I have grown so accustom to. I can "breath" finally. My birthday is in 11 days and I don't have a good feeling about it. I have a feeling I will end up alone crying. It will keep with the tradition I have had from the last 3 years. I really really realllllyyyyyyy hope I am wrong... -meliss

Hero of the story

A hero is one who knows how to hang on one minute longer.

Novali

I guess this is the first time I am really writing to people. Welcome to my brain, its a little cramped space under a mop of red hair that never gets to take its 30 minute lunch and its always working over time for to little of pay. Today I got a lesson in "enjoying the little things". I forget about doing that action so often. I am the queen of looking on the negative side of life. But today even though I had to listen to my "BBF's" (okay I need a name for them... I will keep thinking for one) talk about there WONDERFUL single awareness days, today was a good day. I guess I just didn't let them get to me. I wish I could bottle up that power and drink it down when ever I needed it. O I have been meaning to mention that I get really depressed once a month, it normally last about a week or so. I most likely should go gets some meds but I have already covered my option on that matter. I guess I just have darker writing then some. Maybe that is why I love books like Perks, god my love for that book is huge. I am getting a line from it tattooed on me at the end of the month, its my 18th birthday present to myself. I will most likely have a lengthy amount to write about after my birthday. I just hope it is on the positive side of things. Now that there are people that might actually be reading this, I want to start doing something other then my quotes. I have a love for music that encompasses my life, I will get lost in music for days. Painting and music will take over my being and I will became in a trans. So I am going to start posting songs that I am currently in lust with. Take them or leave them its your choice. So here :Artist: Regina Spektor, Song: Hero

Its from 500 days of summer. I just couldn't get over how amazing the song was.

-meliss

Single Department Hiring

In truth, there are only two realities: the one for people who are in love or love each other, and the one for people who are standing outside all that. –Ditto

In case you are unaware today is single awareness day also more popularly known as Valentines day. I am one of those people that fall under the awareness category. I have never liked this holiday, even when I was younger. I guess its because no one ever in my whole like of the opposite sex has ever asked me to be there valentines. Its a sucky feeling to know you are unwanted. I am a senior in high school and I already don't act my age so its hard enough to connect to someone in the halls of hell, let alone find someone I want to give a box of chocolates to and tell them I think they are "super spiffy". It has recently come to my attention that I am not a realist like I tell myself I am, but I am actually a cynic. I had to look up what Dictionary.com had to say on the word cynic and there were 3 options the first :a person who believes that only selfishness motivates human actions and who disbelieves in or minimizes selfless acts or disinterested points of view.

I don't really believe, but the third that is a whole other story:

a person who shows or expresses a bitterly or sneeringly cynical attitude

I guess I am a bit of both, and I do look at thing (like single awareness day) bitterly. This is actually starting to cause a riff in my life. Well the friendship department of my life. You see my two "BFF's" are super optimists that tend to wear blinders alot of the time.They let their hearts do all the thinking for them. And once they get into there happy little relationship lands they forget about how other people are suffering with loneliness. They will ask what's wrong, but never really want an answer. Its a cycle that has been going on for four years and its getting OLD. I type so openly here because I know that even if they did find this then fine. They will finally know what I am thinking about when that go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about boys and if they like their boy and if they dont and if their boy is going to do this and if he isnt and if he loves her and if... I think you get it. They are my best friends, I would be lost with out them, but sometimes I wonder if they hinder me.-meliss

PostConnected

----Email Message-----
Two weeks ago I was placed in a psych ward for attempting to take my own life. I was sitting alone until another boy came up to me and simply said, “You’re not the most fucked up person anymore”. For the first time in my life I didn’t feel like I was the only one struggling. I felt normal.

Lately I have had this sick fantasy of what if I tried killing myself. Its not really because I want to end my life, but more so because I want to go to a psych ward and meet people that understand me. I guess its really just the fact that I feel like I live with people that don't get it. It being me. I know logically suicide is not an answer, and deep down I would never do it. But I still wonder, maybe we all do. I guess I just want to know if other people do. I feel this need for people that understand me. Then tonight of all the nights as I am sitting at my "best friends" house I went on Postsecret.com and saw the image above and the email segment with it. I guess I felt somewhat happy, and a complete sense of irony. For the fact that these "friends" are the people that I feel the dont understand me. And I sat there reading these words as did they and I got goose bumps because those words where my thoughts, just from someone else head and my friends were reading them yet they had no idea I feel like that. I guess I feel completely disconnected from my world, right now, and I honestly don't know if that connection will be reconnected.-meliss

SMITHTeens

" Can you tell your life story in only six words?"-www.smithteens.com

I couldn't tell this story in six words:

This isn't the first time I have felt out of the loop in my world. This isn't the first time I felt let down by those I hold "dear to my heart". This isn't the first and it won't be the last. I think to much, I talk to much, I over think about talking to much so I write about thinking to much which makes me think about how I write about how I think to much. Then I feel low. When I want to feel INFINITE. Maybe that is why I am getting that tattooed on my wrist. to remind myself that that is the feeling I want to feel. I am tired of feeling low. I have been low for a long long time, and its getting old. I say this all the time but it is, I get happy then sad then reverses then forward. I don't talk out loud about these thing because lets be real, who honesty care about another fucked up 17 year old high school girl with a messed up childhood. We have all been there done that, I know I have. Yet I linger on my thoughts for hours, day, weeks, hell years at this point. I don't actually know if I am like all the other girls my age, maybe I am and I just think I am "special" for some strange reason. I blame media. Maybe I should conform and start an online blog, but then again who cares about my thoughts? Other then me, O and my therapist (can't forget about him). Perhaps I need to be put on some mind numbing meds, those seem to fix the problem for some. But I like who I am for the most part, I don't want some chemical coming in my body and changing that. Well more to think about and more to write about.

Hometown Inhabitant

"I saw my hometown burning that day. - Rodney King"

I live in Los Angeles.I love this city, I know I am luck to have grown up in such a metropolitan city. This city has shaped the person I have become. I have embraced the idealism of the liberal left. Today I spend the day at Venice Beach. I love it there. The freak shows, the head shops, the tourists, and there is this one spot on the beach. Towards the end of the board walk near Santa Monica. Its beautiful. You can see everything from there. Today you could even see Catalina Island. There were two sail boat out on the water and a few yards from were I chose to sit a photographer was doing a photo shoot. The wind was a little brutal. But that did not take away from that beauty, it added too it. The smell of the salty air and the mist off the water was what I needed at this moment in my life. I have been to in my own head that I have been forgetting the amazing world that surrounds me everyday. I love the world. I don't always love the people that inhabit it, but the world its amazing. I get so rapped up in the things that bring me down, the stuff that seems so meaning less when I look back sometimes. There is a whole world out there, how can one person as small as me feel lonely? I can't let myself feel lonely, That just seems like a slap in the worlds face to me now.

Wallflower's excuse

"We are young only once, after that we need some other excuse. ~Author Unknown"

On the last day of this month I will be 18. Yesterday I was ranting to a friends about how I have a feeling that my birthday is going to be horrible. I went on and on about it. Then today at the end of my AP Lit class I stayed after to take a test I had missed and a friend stayed with me. While I was taking my test she got a phone call telling her her grandmother had died. This means that her mother will have to fly out to Columbia, missing my friends birthday. That is not that bad but on top of that her family is already in debt from the bills for the grandmothers hospital bills and other resent flights. Plus he father could care less about her birthday, and any money she gets for her birthday goes to paying for a school book she had lost. I could go on and on about the bad things that are happening to her around her 18th birthday. This made me realize that I need to stop doing what I do. I need to stop assuming that things are going to suck. (My favorite book is Perks of Being a Wallflower, and the character in the book stresses the fact that you should never say that "there are people out there worst off then you" because it can make you feel like your less then.) So I wont say "it could be worst" but I will just say that I need to remember that I make my day the way it is.-meliss

Accepting other Watchers

“Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgement of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it. - Kathleen Casey Theisen quotes"

I often write late at night, its when my mind is running the most. When the thoughts wont stop, even if I try to stop them. So I have accepted this fact, another reason for this blog. A place were I can write late at night as many time in a day as I please. Or I can go weeks with out writing and it will harm no one. Ah the freedom of the internet. I love the egotistical side of blogs, the fact that they are all about you, and what you think and want and feel or don't feel. It feeds our human need for people to listen to us about us. I know I love to talk about myself, I could go on for days about me, but it would never honestly be the really meaningful stuff. The really deep stuff. It would be the facade that I let the world see, don't we all do that? Talk about our facade? I have my outer facade; natural red hair ( short so I look edgy cut it myself, so I look unique), red lipstick, Flannel, big jewelry, wayfarers, Indie band shirts. I have the world see me as a hipster, as a cool kid someone who "doesn't care", which is total BS. I care. Yes I feel safe in those articles of clothing. They are what I feel like myself in, but when people see me that is he facade they see. They don't see any deeper then that. Just like I don't see any deeper then the kid sitting next to me in my english class. Well that was before. Before I came to this realization, and saw that I needed to change this and look deeper. I started noticing different things about people that I never would have seen before. I became the Watcher of my friends, and that is then I started noticing people and everything about them. From how they have their longing looks of unrequited love to pure anger from the nice person you have ever met. I would try and tell people my findings and they would not believe me. So now I just leave them to myself, I now enjoy being the Watcher, and I have learned that my facade is not really as much of a facade as I thought it was. It is more of my shield for the other Watcher out there. -meliss

Not so virgin anymore.

"So often is the virgin sheet of paper more real than what one has to say, and so often one regrets having marred it. ~Harold Acton"

I finally broke and joined the world of online blogging. I guess my thoughts were just to much for my head and the pen and paper that I normally share them with. I can't quite tell you why I finally did this... Maybe its because I want to believe that people really do care about what I have to say. As cliché as that sounds its true. I think we are all searching for some other human to care about our thoughts and feelings. To genuinely want to know what we are thinking about life and the situations around us. I take today for example. I have this life that I live. I have these friends that are amazing in so many ways, but the moment I show any emotion other then my normal ones they act as if I don't exist. They don't deal well with me, and I don't say anything because I don't want to hear what they have to say. Because the truth is, they sugar coat for everyone else but me, and I am so tired of it. Yes, I should be happy that I have grown a tough skin but admit it EVERYONE likes to have things sugar coated. I guess this is life though.- meliss