Just Don't

Strange days have found me. This world that I live in is so small and you are all out there, and im just waiting for that awkward run in. When it does happen is overwhelming and I run though my head for days trying to figure out what the fuck had happend. 90% of the post on this blog of mine are about him. Its like this is my only safe place to put these thoughts. I wish I could write about boyfriend more. I just dont know what to say about him. He loves me and its all so simple...but Him...he lights this feeling inside of my center. It feels like someone turned life on again. I dont feel the numb, I feel excited. I miss feeling, I tell people im so happy. I guess if someone really asked I could tell them that really..."Im a hot fucking mess in my head all the time, and I smoke all these weed so I can stay numb and ignore the world. That I miss my best friend more then I miss anything. That I hate that I could hurt her so much and that I just wish I could fix it. That I feel like I walk around this life with part of me missing. Or that fact that I am in love with two people, two totally different kinds of love and I feel like my heart is falling apart and I dont want to hurt this amazing person I love, but he has to change and who that fuck am I to tell him to. I want to scream and leave. I want to pack all my shit up and head out into the world. I want to be free of this life. But I cant leave my mom, and how im chained to this world. I feel so fucking stuck in this place with these damn faces and stupid stories that I have heard to many fucking times. How I FUCKING REGRET NOT GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL. How i just want to make something of myself and im not going to slack off anymore. I WANT MY LIFE TO MEAN SOMETHING. I need to give up these fears I have and JUST LIVE. Because just being isnt enough anymore." I think that would scare most people. I honestly dont know what to do anymore.

21

I cant believe you wont be there when i turn the big 21. This life is so different then anything i had planned. I wish sometimes for something to change, like a big change something to rattle my life...but in a postive way. I want an adventure, and for once i am seeing its all on me to make it happen. I miss you, more and more everyday. You will never know how much, but its deep. Its like loosing your sister, and soul mate. Heres to you, may your day be filled with light, love, and more positive days then negitive.

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You texted me again. This time you told me you had loved me, and that you have never felt for a girl like you did for me. I wish you could have felt this back then. Oh how life is, and the things we wanted and the things we can have now. Im worth more then you made me feel. Finally... goodbye Andy.

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My world is falling apart.

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My not sure how to feel. Ive never not had a best friend. No one will ever be mae again. She has known me and my life for so long, i never had to explain anything. We were just memories, stacked on memories. We had our own way of communicating. I feel like i broke up with someone, so much has changed. Life has no real direction. Its never been this way before.

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Its okay that you deleted me from your life. Its making getting over this easier. I just hope that one day we can talk again, but who knows. Whatever happens know that I will always be here for you... its a loyalty thing.

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I didnt know it was possible to feel so alone.

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