Just Don't

Strange days have found me. This world that I live in is so small and you are all out there, and im just waiting for that awkward run in. When it does happen is overwhelming and I run though my head for days trying to figure out what the fuck had happend. 90% of the post on this blog of mine are about him. Its like this is my only safe place to put these thoughts. I wish I could write about boyfriend more. I just dont know what to say about him. He loves me and its all so simple...but Him...he lights this feeling inside of my center. It feels like someone turned life on again. I dont feel the numb, I feel excited. I miss feeling, I tell people im so happy. I guess if someone really asked I could tell them that really..."Im a hot fucking mess in my head all the time, and I smoke all these weed so I can stay numb and ignore the world. That I miss my best friend more then I miss anything. That I hate that I could hurt her so much and that I just wish I could fix it. That I feel like I walk around this life with part of me missing. Or that fact that I am in love with two people, two totally different kinds of love and I feel like my heart is falling apart and I dont want to hurt this amazing person I love, but he has to change and who that fuck am I to tell him to. I want to scream and leave. I want to pack all my shit up and head out into the world. I want to be free of this life. But I cant leave my mom, and how im chained to this world. I feel so fucking stuck in this place with these damn faces and stupid stories that I have heard to many fucking times. How I FUCKING REGRET NOT GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL. How i just want to make something of myself and im not going to slack off anymore. I WANT MY LIFE TO MEAN SOMETHING. I need to give up these fears I have and JUST LIVE. Because just being isnt enough anymore." I think that would scare most people. I honestly dont know what to do anymore.