Do you dapple in depression?

I guess this is what you get then you want. Maybe buddha was a genius. When you don't want you don't feel the crushing blow that happens when you don't get it. I finally got what I wanted and you know where that let me... right here writing about how down I am. I feel low and stupid. I AM NEVER THE GIRL THAT FEELS STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS. I am the rock, the stone hearted bitch. I am not the girl that gets hurt. The only nice thing is I have gotten some art jump from this all. I am writing again, painting, creating. Maybe I am just too deep for love, or even a normal relationship. I think I thrive on pain and misery. I know its a fucked up thing to say but its true. I am so accustom to these feeling that I feel like I am home again. I don't really have any reason to exist right now. I dont have a team that needs me. I don't have a boy. or classes I have to do work for. My job sucks. My household is falling apart. I graduated high school and got shoved into sorrow. I am a grown up with nothing to look forward to. I guess this is why adults look so miserable. I am one of them now. A miserable human, that smokes to keep my self calm. I just want a cigg and song playing. Those are my happiness now. O joy what has my life become?