This little heart of mine

I need to get this off my chest, and him off my mind. I seriously think a little alien has taken over my brain and put in a "girl" chip. I have never been this kind of girl. I feel weak and stupid. I just want him to see me and want me. Want me beyond sex. I feel like that will never happen...no not feel I know it wont. He is a little boy in a 21 year old body. Yup 21 today actually, and my stupid self wished him happy birthday. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to feel this way. Its like my heart is not its self anymore. All I think about is him, my dreams have him in them, I want to bring him up in convo, I want to hang out with her just so I can see him and hope he said something to me, and realizes how amazing I am. I would be such an amazing girlfriend. Who cares if he has a tiny penis, I really don't. I would except his flaws, but I guess that only makes one of us. I was free of him renting space in my head only 2 short months ago. Now he is always in every thought I think. Every where I go things remind me of him. His stupid truck that I see every where. The way he dresses , his stupid beard, that smile, and laugh, his little smirk, and those damn eyes. His big kissable lips. Everything reminds me of him. I need someone new, or the last 2 months erased from my memory. I never thought I would be this kind of girl, its like the asshole has this hold on me. I never understood how my friends could be so stupid when it came to boys, and now... now I do. I am just like them, a weak hopeless girl. Wishing that he was different, and knowing he isn't but have faith and hope that he will and can change. I feel like I am in a trans and numb emotional driven trans.