Happy Patience

Find patience in the breath of life.

-Ryunosuke Satoro

I think I look for reasons to not be happy. I don't think I know how to be happy, or how to except happiness in to my life. I think that we are all programed a certain way and I was just programed with a little to many sad microchips. I really try and tell myself to be happy, I do. I try and start the day with "today you will be happy, you will not let the world get to you as much as normal", but then it does and I end the day on here... talking about how I hate life and the sadness in it. I wonder why I am this way, why I think so much. Why I care about people so much, and why I can't express it to them. I always just come off anger and defensive. I just wish people could read my thoughts as they go through my head so they could see my emotions and see that I truly mean well in the end. I just wish I wasn't such a "deep" person. It hurts to much to be "deep". I wish I didn't fuck up and say shit I didn't mean cuz its hard to take back words. There is no backspace in life, if there was my would be worn and damn near broken. I have a lot of thing I would change about myself, and pretty much all of them are inward things. I don't see physical things as much, I know that I have way more to work on in the inside then the out. I wish I could go to emotional rehab. I really don't think I can do all this on my own. I am pretty sure that, part of the reason I want to go to college so far away is to run away from myself. I know that I can reinvent myself 700 mile away. I can be a whole new me. I can leave behind these people and their pettiness that I have grown so accustom to. I can "breath" finally. My birthday is in 11 days and I don't have a good feeling about it. I have a feeling I will end up alone crying. It will keep with the tradition I have had from the last 3 years. I really really realllllyyyyyyy hope I am wrong... -meliss