Do you dapple in depression?

I guess this is what you get then you want. Maybe buddha was a genius. When you don't want you don't feel the crushing blow that happens when you don't get it. I finally got what I wanted and you know where that let me... right here writing about how down I am. I feel low and stupid. I AM NEVER THE GIRL THAT FEELS STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS. I am the rock, the stone hearted bitch. I am not the girl that gets hurt. The only nice thing is I have gotten some art jump from this all. I am writing again, painting, creating. Maybe I am just too deep for love, or even a normal relationship. I think I thrive on pain and misery. I know its a fucked up thing to say but its true. I am so accustom to these feeling that I feel like I am home again. I don't really have any reason to exist right now. I dont have a team that needs me. I don't have a boy. or classes I have to do work for. My job sucks. My household is falling apart. I graduated high school and got shoved into sorrow. I am a grown up with nothing to look forward to. I guess this is why adults look so miserable. I am one of them now. A miserable human, that smokes to keep my self calm. I just want a cigg and song playing. Those are my happiness now. O joy what has my life become?

ChChChChanges

Last night I got what I wanted. Let me start by saying that I have never had the best luck with boys or men, I am the one they just look right through. Normally when I like someone I get to like from a far, I wish that they would like me, I daydream about how it would be if we went out or if we kissed or cuddled. But last night that normal dream came true. I thought today I would be so happy like living in bliss...But im not. I am second guessing everything wondering why isn't he texting me, and blah blah blah. Something doesn't feel right about all this. I have this bad feeling and maybe im just second guessing my self, maybe its self sabotage or maybe I just don't like being happy. Honestly I want to be able to enjoy these moments, but instead I am sitting here writing down all my thoughts about how unsure I am. I am 18 just graduated high school, just went to prom had all those high school last and now my adult life starts and this is what is thrown at me. I am not saying I am not happy, I am fucking stoked beyond belief! I finally got what I wanted, a guy that I have like for months now. Have facebook stocked (kinda sorta) for months now. I guess I don't deal well with getting what I want or happiness or any of that normal stuff. I just want to be happy, I think this is the first time I have ever ranted about a boy like this. I just want to be happy and back to myself but with maybe someone new with me.

Not like It was before.

“To die would be an awfully big adventure.” -Peter Pan, J. M. Barie

My bestie and I just got out of school for the summer and decided to have an adventure. So, we hopped in the car and drove 4 hours to the beach. Every night we’ve done something crazier than the night before. Night 4 was get tattoos." -http://fuckyeahtattoos.tumblr.com/

I liked life before life got in the way.

I have started questioning my life, and my friends. Its making things complicated. I want a friendship like above, not like what I have.

Not the norm

I don't feel poetic tonight. I just have something to say, I miss the day when having a boy in your life was not, the only thing people could talk to you about. Sorry I am not some boy crazy girl, with my head in the relationship clouds. I have more important things in my life going on. I have not closed that door promise, I have just stopped staring at it all the time waiting for prince charming to burst in and sweep me off my feet. I have a life to live while ima waiting for my future man. I just wish the people around me would learn to except that. Not every conversation needs to be about boys, there is a whole world out there, with lots of shit in it. LIVE FOR THOSE THINGS, NOT FOR THAT PERSON.

Hold my head up high.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all.-Emily Dickinson

The quote above is a tattoo I am thinking about getting, it would have a feather with it.

Its been awhile, So there is so much to cover. Lets see... I am now 18 and have my first tattoo. Its the picture above:) I finally got a job, I now work at Michael's. I guess I have been in a happy state of mind, because I haven't been writing on here. I have been writing alot of poetry lately. Thats been nice. I am also began doing alot of things on my own. I found out I like to do things on my own, I guess I am good alone. There has also been a large amount of realizations in the past weeks... Like I really have no desire for a guy at this time in my life I have to many other things going on, I really can't stand one of my best friends (even on my birthday she had to make it about her), I am so scared for college but it will be amazing!, and I am just fed up with the people in my life. O and I finally filled out my housing form for my college! I am soooo excited for that!

-meliss

I'll take happiness in an Extra Large

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony.
-Thomas Merton

So today I went and bought some art supplies, and decided I wanted to take a drive. So I did, and I pulled over to look at the damage of my beautiful canyon, I live were the "Station Fire" happened, and the canyon I grew up in is now gone, just a newly formed blank canvas for the next generation in my town to watch be painted. Mother Natures got a temper, but hey don't all women? I don't think if we called if "Father Nature" it would make sense, because in some paradoxical way, the damage done has still left such beauty. I had to pull over to see it up close and I met a man, and artist and we talked. I was nice to have some human connection outside of my "norm". I have been in very dark thoughts lately, obsessing over things outside my control, people that arn't living to my expectations. I have just been getting lost in my thoughts. But today kinda cleared some of those thoughts. I realized that for the moment, I need to see that maybe this distance between my best friend and I is inevitable and its going to happen whether I like it or not. So all I can do is be her friend the only way I know how and start branching out of my "norm". So I am going to take these realizations and try them out tonight when I am with my friends. I can't do this to myself, I deserve to be happy to feel content, and I need now to figure out how to do that. That is my new goal, is to find out how to stay happy for longer periods of time. - meliss

Happy Patience

Find patience in the breath of life.

-Ryunosuke Satoro

I think I look for reasons to not be happy. I don't think I know how to be happy, or how to except happiness in to my life. I think that we are all programed a certain way and I was just programed with a little to many sad microchips. I really try and tell myself to be happy, I do. I try and start the day with "today you will be happy, you will not let the world get to you as much as normal", but then it does and I end the day on here... talking about how I hate life and the sadness in it. I wonder why I am this way, why I think so much. Why I care about people so much, and why I can't express it to them. I always just come off anger and defensive. I just wish people could read my thoughts as they go through my head so they could see my emotions and see that I truly mean well in the end. I just wish I wasn't such a "deep" person. It hurts to much to be "deep". I wish I didn't fuck up and say shit I didn't mean cuz its hard to take back words. There is no backspace in life, if there was my would be worn and damn near broken. I have a lot of thing I would change about myself, and pretty much all of them are inward things. I don't see physical things as much, I know that I have way more to work on in the inside then the out. I wish I could go to emotional rehab. I really don't think I can do all this on my own. I am pretty sure that, part of the reason I want to go to college so far away is to run away from myself. I know that I can reinvent myself 700 mile away. I can be a whole new me. I can leave behind these people and their pettiness that I have grown so accustom to. I can "breath" finally. My birthday is in 11 days and I don't have a good feeling about it. I have a feeling I will end up alone crying. It will keep with the tradition I have had from the last 3 years. I really really realllllyyyyyyy hope I am wrong... -meliss