just a short rant

I get dressed up for you, i shave parts of me that i wish i didnt have to, i change my life to fit what you want of me....and for what mister?! FOR FUCKKKIINNNGG WHAT?! For you to change the game, to start calling the shots?! No this is our order...you ignore me for 2 weeks then text me...i play foolish and then we have sex! Stick to the plan...because honeslty anything other then that plan would make actual sense and then i would have to see how truely stupid i really am.

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V card expired

Last night things went to far. I mean after all the things i have written about him, all the hurt he has caused me...i go and have sex with him. How fucking weak can i be. He doesnt talk to be for over a week and the moment i hear from him its on...i cant believe my self. I never actually thought it wouold get to this point. I want so much more and he isnt willing to give that. He wants a girl he can skrew around with when he is bored. I want so badly to read into his sweet moment...to say "yes he care, couldnt you tell he was so kind" but he doesnt care, and if he does then he sure as hell dosnt know how to fucking show it. I want him to want me like i want him, but that just doesnt seem to be in the cards for me this time. He is everything to me and i am just sex to him...why the fuck did girls get given these fucking emotions? Why cant guys just show a little bit of fucking care? Its not that much to ask... i promise i want use it agains you. I am not like that... i know what its like to hate being vonerable, but come on cant you just for once show me a softer side? And to make matters worst...their going to know. His stupid little friends. My firend want me to be happy they have seen my love and want for him for over 5 years....i am just now his hook up... that stupid girl that he gets to use. And now its taken to a larger much more painful level. Fuckkk what did i do last night???

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This little heart of mine

I need to get this off my chest, and him off my mind. I seriously think a little alien has taken over my brain and put in a "girl" chip. I have never been this kind of girl. I feel weak and stupid. I just want him to see me and want me. Want me beyond sex. I feel like that will never happen...no not feel I know it wont. He is a little boy in a 21 year old body. Yup 21 today actually, and my stupid self wished him happy birthday. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to feel this way. Its like my heart is not its self anymore. All I think about is him, my dreams have him in them, I want to bring him up in convo, I want to hang out with her just so I can see him and hope he said something to me, and realizes how amazing I am. I would be such an amazing girlfriend. Who cares if he has a tiny penis, I really don't. I would except his flaws, but I guess that only makes one of us. I was free of him renting space in my head only 2 short months ago. Now he is always in every thought I think. Every where I go things remind me of him. His stupid truck that I see every where. The way he dresses , his stupid beard, that smile, and laugh, his little smirk, and those damn eyes. His big kissable lips. Everything reminds me of him. I need someone new, or the last 2 months erased from my memory. I never thought I would be this kind of girl, its like the asshole has this hold on me. I never understood how my friends could be so stupid when it came to boys, and now... now I do. I am just like them, a weak hopeless girl. Wishing that he was different, and knowing he isn't but have faith and hope that he will and can change. I feel like I am in a trans and numb emotional driven trans.

Revengeful Lust

Im always right. I know that, that sounds sooo conceded but its true. I was right that I was Andy's revenge, sean had a new girl, that Ivan would show up at starbucks, that our friendship with all the boys was going to end. I am always right. The sucky part is I am right in all the wrong realms of my life. I am never right about happy shit. Today I got promoted and had my second day of rushing. But the moment I am not surrounded by people I fall back into my hole. I feel lonely and used. I have never been wanted for anything more then what I could give someone. I let my stupid guard down and I GET FUCKING USED EVERY FUCKING TIME! I feel so stupid, like I am forever to be used. Men look at me, but its with these eyes of lust. Never as love a interest, nothing beyond sex. I sometime wish I would never have known how amazing life can feel, how amazing it is to be kissed and cuddle. I dont believe in love even more then before. All guys what the same thing nothing more. I see men as scum. And the worst part is I have to see my scum all the fucking time. FUCK I DO IT TO MYSELF, just hoping he will realize how amazing I am how cute I am how much he should be with me. But it wont happen I will always be the hook up, the revenge, the easy one...I hate myself.

I want...

I got what I wanted again. You see I really liked this boy for well... pretty much all of high school. He was one of my best friends older brother. I reallllyyy liked him, like he was the one that broke my heart without even trying. I made him out to be this person in my head and that person broke my heart. Well on the 14 my friend had a little shin dig at her house and he was there. I had one to many and ended up in his room with him. I can't believe no one tried stopping me. I did a little to much (I still have my V card). I guess the lesson for me this summer was "What you want, isn't always what you expect it to be". I fantasied about him. How we would go on a date of mini golf. He would put his arms around me and we would kiss, then after a little time we would fool around. WELL BOY WAS I WRONG. I blame drunk me for this. I just really want a boy who will want to mini golf with me on the first date and not try and get head. I want a boy who will tell me to go to sleep when I have drank to much, and will just let me fall asleep on his chest. I want a man. I guess as my tattoo said "Everything Happens For A Reason".

I start College in a few hours. Its kinda strange to think about. High school ended for me and life really did begin. I had to pay bills, started smoking, all I did was work and hang out with friends, got rejected for my only love (CSz), Hooked up with people ( sober and drunk). Well I have a resolution. Lets call it my summer one. I never did make a new years one... Well my resolution is... No more living in the past. This is my future. I will make friends. I will RUSH. I will take my life in my hands, and I will be okay with were it goes from here. Cuz there is a reason I did not get what I wanted in some areas of my life. There is a plan for me and I am traveling on it. So college here is to you. May we get along and you teach me and I will teach you.

Cheers to the future of this 18 year old child.

Do you dapple in depression?

I guess this is what you get then you want. Maybe buddha was a genius. When you don't want you don't feel the crushing blow that happens when you don't get it. I finally got what I wanted and you know where that let me... right here writing about how down I am. I feel low and stupid. I AM NEVER THE GIRL THAT FEELS STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS. I am the rock, the stone hearted bitch. I am not the girl that gets hurt. The only nice thing is I have gotten some art jump from this all. I am writing again, painting, creating. Maybe I am just too deep for love, or even a normal relationship. I think I thrive on pain and misery. I know its a fucked up thing to say but its true. I am so accustom to these feeling that I feel like I am home again. I don't really have any reason to exist right now. I dont have a team that needs me. I don't have a boy. or classes I have to do work for. My job sucks. My household is falling apart. I graduated high school and got shoved into sorrow. I am a grown up with nothing to look forward to. I guess this is why adults look so miserable. I am one of them now. A miserable human, that smokes to keep my self calm. I just want a cigg and song playing. Those are my happiness now. O joy what has my life become?

ChChChChanges

Last night I got what I wanted. Let me start by saying that I have never had the best luck with boys or men, I am the one they just look right through. Normally when I like someone I get to like from a far, I wish that they would like me, I daydream about how it would be if we went out or if we kissed or cuddled. But last night that normal dream came true. I thought today I would be so happy like living in bliss...But im not. I am second guessing everything wondering why isn't he texting me, and blah blah blah. Something doesn't feel right about all this. I have this bad feeling and maybe im just second guessing my self, maybe its self sabotage or maybe I just don't like being happy. Honestly I want to be able to enjoy these moments, but instead I am sitting here writing down all my thoughts about how unsure I am. I am 18 just graduated high school, just went to prom had all those high school last and now my adult life starts and this is what is thrown at me. I am not saying I am not happy, I am fucking stoked beyond belief! I finally got what I wanted, a guy that I have like for months now. Have facebook stocked (kinda sorta) for months now. I guess I don't deal well with getting what I want or happiness or any of that normal stuff. I just want to be happy, I think this is the first time I have ever ranted about a boy like this. I just want to be happy and back to myself but with maybe someone new with me.