that kind of night

I wish things could be different between up. I mean, i dont want to be with you but i wish we could have been friends. Its sucks knowing that the first boy you ever feel for, ever had sex with, ever really cried over if completely gone. You would never hold a convo with me if we meet in person. I just wish i could have lived it over. Done things differently. I feel like life is boring and im not living my dreams. I guess ima on the right path, school, work, love, friends, hobbies. I just miss the excitment you added to my life. It was like all else might be boring, but i had you. And those awkward moment when i would have to sit in your kitchen full of the girls and your mom and your sister and act like i didnt know what it was like to have you kiss my neck, or run your hands over my body. Like i didnt know how those lips felt on mine. I had to act like you and i didnt really happen. But then hours later i would return and we would get lost in those small moments. As much as i think you dont care, i now deep down you must. I showed you a girl could be head over heels for you. I didnt so many stupid things over and over and over and hell i still write about you almost a year later. I am in lvoe with an amazing man and yet its still your face i see. I wish sometimes that love didnt touch us like it does. If i could have picked it would not have been you. You never even told me i was pretty. And that hurts like a bitch everyday. I have never been good enought ever and now i have someone that looks at me like and the the sun and the moon. He loves me all of me and yet here i am at midnight write about you. Fuck i hate this. I hate that i still drive by your damn fucking house or down your "friends" street. I wish i didnt hope to run into you. I wish you could see how amazing i look now, and how fun i am. I am not the same girl from 9 months ago. But thats okay...your loss not mine.

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feb 29th

I needed to blog on this day, it wont happen for another 4 years.

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positive for once people

You texted me, around the 30th. It was a shock to say the least. I thought it would mean more, make me feel better, i dont know maybe just set me free...and it did. I feel free, now i have to give myself time to morn for what was, and what i have now let go. You no longer rent the space you once did. He lives there now, crawling into every part of my brain...making me smile thinking of his kiss or his arms around me as I sleep. He is everything you couldnt be for me. He is my heart mender. He found me when I was at the weakest...I never realized how low you made me feel. I felt like I was worthless, that no one would care. THAT MY FRIEND IS BULLSHIT. I thank you for sending me that text. I am free from you, from your sister, your family, even brandon...thank god, the toxic is not worth the chance of super powers. 2012 started like it needed to. I look forward to this year. I hope that the dreams I have put into it come true. My life is slowly going to become what I want. I found someone who gets me, and that is amazing. I have friends...maybe not alot but they are there and thats what matters. My secrets have been told and now i wait...because I dont have a crystal ball, so the future is unknown...but for once in my life...I can live with that.

Sorry for my spelling and grammar

Im in love, like really true blue love. Ive never felt so scared in my fucking life. My heart melts when he tells me he loves me. I feel warm and safe, and like no one else matters. Its this feeling cant really handle. Its so fucking hard to knw that some one loves you. The fact that tey could just leave and thats it...your loss apart of your heart. Its nights like these that I feel the lowest that i think about my life and whats happend, whats happening, and what might happen. Whats happening is I am scared...so fucking scarred that my heart wants to run into my feet and my mind just wants an easy release. My friends and I are at this stand still. Mae lost her mom and since then its like I am a horrible person. I think she might just tigh memeories of the end with me, and maybe its just hard for her to have me around. Or maybe Im just met to leave her. She is my best friend, but i have never felt so much coldness from one human being. Who do you turn too when the person that was always there is gone? I want to tell my best firend now fucking scared I am that I am in love, and how badly i want to ruin it and go crazy so that way i dont have to worry about him breaking my heart in the future...that andy lives in my brain. that i wish i could take it all back from him. that i miss who i was, that new melissa kinda sucks. that I dont like myself anymore. that ima sad again, and i dont know how to make me okay. that i just want to say fuck it. i feel like i cant do life anymore. I liked life along time ago, but then again i hated life then too. i dont think that I will ever be one of those people that is ever really happy.. i will alawys see the sad, negitive, gross place i have created this world to be in my eyes. I guess things arnt that bad, i just am sick of feeling overwhelmed. but no lie, being in love is fucking mind blowing.

Another mental night.

Im sitting here, on a friday night alone with no word from the boyfriend and no real chance at seeing him. So who comes into my mind...you of course...who else. I miss you still. Its been around 3 months since I have heard from you...I dont think we have ever gone this long...not in the year we were fucking around. I guess this time its really over. I found someone new, he is pretty amazing. Emotionally there, caring, kissy, amazing in bed, he loves me so much. That last part is what scares me the most. He loves me,and I dont know if I love him as much...I mean I know I love him but you rent more space in my head then he does. Thats not okay with me. Its so hard to not know whats going on with you. I wish I could just run into you...I need to run into you. I need to see you one last time, I need to say my peace. Why did you out of all the fucking people in this world be the one that is forever going to mean the most to me? Got Andy I miss you, and there isnt much to miss. I dont know why I felt so strong for you, and I wish people would understand. I know that this is whats meant to happen, but fuck it. I want to stop going back to you when ever I have a bad day of ima emotionally weak. My boy just texted me, and all I want to do instead is cry, smoke a bowl, and sleep. I dont feel emotionally right anymore. Like i feel like I have finally lost something and its time I find it. I want more then this. I need more then this. I want people, I need people. Please send me good solid people universe.

Weak Night

I thought you were out of my head at this point. That I was free of you. But im not, and I miss you. I miss the fucked up thing that we had. I miss the pain, and the release I got when I finally had you for the few simple hours. I miss your kiss, the way it felt to have your arms around me. Things were so wrong,and so fucked up and it hurt alot of people what we were doing, but it felt like I was supposed to be in that situation with you. No matter how wrong I know it was, I will forever want you Andy. I hope, and wish that one day down the road when we are different people in different places we will be able to have one more time together. I can kiss you again. I miss you. I miss looking at you from a distance while sitting on the couch next to megan. I miss our awkard glances at each other and that kiss. The one after alex and I. I never felt so much passion for another person like I did in that moment. It was like I was the only thing you wanted in the whole world, like nothing else mattered to you. Andy I loved you. With the most pure love anyone can feel. I still remember that first time we were left alone in the house together. It was at the old house, and as you got closer to me to look at the computer my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I could breath having you that close to me. I was maybe 16 and you were the most amazing guy I had ever known. I would go anywhere if I knew you would be there. You shaped the person I am today. You did so much in my life that I didnt even notice. Andy I loved you. I wanted to be good enough for you. But im not, and Ill never be. Thats what hurts the most. Ill never be "her", your dream girl. Your blond skinny beautiful thing. Im just me. this loud fat ginger. YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD ME I WAS PRETTY, but i gave you my virginity anyway. Thinking that that would make you want me. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND ALL I WAS LEFT WITH WAS THESE FEELINGS, THESE FUCKING USELESS FEELING. I will never be good enough for you or for anyone is how I feel. Like im just not enough. My own fucking father does want me. So why would you. I wanted to give you so much, to be that girl that made your life better. I JUST FUCKING WANTED YOU.

Its life, death is the only thing that we are promised

Its that morbid end, the sweet eternal release

Life is sweet, Oh so sweet

We drink it like a drug.

Living in an elicit dream.

Taking each day and tossing it away

Telling our glutton self "Hey I have tomorrow anyway"

Yet tomorrow should not be a word we use

For tomorrow is a scam

A lie

Tomorrow is not given

Today is all we have

Yesterday was what was given

The memorise that God graced us with

Those are the given

For death waits

Behind every corner

Waiting for us to take our final breath

Its death that gets to see tomorrow

For death is just tomorrow.