I miss a lot.

Its been so long since I wrote here. But I am in need of a vessel for what the fuck is going on in my head. I am so happy, but then the universe keeps reminding me that I have to stay the realist path. I can be happy, but I have to remember that for every good thing that comes my way...just as many bad are behind it. I miss Andy. I miss him everyday. I listen to counrty music just to feel close to him.... like maybe he is listening to the same song and in some strange way we are still connected. I miss megan and how we were. I miss alot of things. I hate myself for fucking up college, and for not trying...for letting myself fail... well me. So I am starting over, I am going to be a positive person. I want a good life, I like smiling and seeing the beauty in everything. My life is sucky alot, but its amazing. I finally see that life really is what you make it. I might miss alot of things, I might hate things I have done. But thats just who I am. I cant let that eat me alive. I am a good person with a big heart. I need to remember who I am and the person I want to become.

Its just sex

It’s the first kiss…when the room is still and all the noises are just a hum. How he looks you in the eyes with the right mixture of passion lust and need. Its that moment when you lips finally turn into mush with one another, and after a while kissing just isn’t enough and his hands start to wonder, and your hand rap around his neck. Giving him the freedom to do what he pleases with your body. You let him wonder around, get to know all your curves. Forgetting the places that make you wish you where someone else with someone else’s body. You let him take what he wants as long as you get to moan for a little. He runs his hands down to your pants letting loss the buttons, pulling off everything that keeps him from entering your own wonderland. He raps him mouth around your breast, bitting just hard enough to make you wince. He takes his time with you. Knowing that the more he invests into your body the louder you will be for him. For he feeds off your sounds. They are what bring him to his climaxes. He plunges into places that take your whole body to a land of tingles and lip biting joy. At this point your lost, he has you now. There is no return and in this moment nothing matters. You wont think about what tomorrow will bring. What emotion you will have to tend too. It is simply lust sprinkled with the right amount of love. For I know all too well that the next day is not a beautiful as this moment. That you sit in a pile of regret, wishing he would call you. Hoping that you can be his again….that you can be his forever…but always knowing that its just lust…there is no love.

just a short rant

I get dressed up for you, i shave parts of me that i wish i didnt have to, i change my life to fit what you want of me....and for what mister?! FOR FUCKKKIINNNGG WHAT?! For you to change the game, to start calling the shots?! No this is our order...you ignore me for 2 weeks then text me...i play foolish and then we have sex! Stick to the plan...because honeslty anything other then that plan would make actual sense and then i would have to see how truely stupid i really am.

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V card expired

Last night things went to far. I mean after all the things i have written about him, all the hurt he has caused me...i go and have sex with him. How fucking weak can i be. He doesnt talk to be for over a week and the moment i hear from him its on...i cant believe my self. I never actually thought it wouold get to this point. I want so much more and he isnt willing to give that. He wants a girl he can skrew around with when he is bored. I want so badly to read into his sweet moment...to say "yes he care, couldnt you tell he was so kind" but he doesnt care, and if he does then he sure as hell dosnt know how to fucking show it. I want him to want me like i want him, but that just doesnt seem to be in the cards for me this time. He is everything to me and i am just sex to him...why the fuck did girls get given these fucking emotions? Why cant guys just show a little bit of fucking care? Its not that much to ask... i promise i want use it agains you. I am not like that... i know what its like to hate being vonerable, but come on cant you just for once show me a softer side? And to make matters worst...their going to know. His stupid little friends. My firend want me to be happy they have seen my love and want for him for over 5 years....i am just now his hook up... that stupid girl that he gets to use. And now its taken to a larger much more painful level. Fuckkk what did i do last night???

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This little heart of mine

I need to get this off my chest, and him off my mind. I seriously think a little alien has taken over my brain and put in a "girl" chip. I have never been this kind of girl. I feel weak and stupid. I just want him to see me and want me. Want me beyond sex. I feel like that will never happen...no not feel I know it wont. He is a little boy in a 21 year old body. Yup 21 today actually, and my stupid self wished him happy birthday. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to feel this way. Its like my heart is not its self anymore. All I think about is him, my dreams have him in them, I want to bring him up in convo, I want to hang out with her just so I can see him and hope he said something to me, and realizes how amazing I am. I would be such an amazing girlfriend. Who cares if he has a tiny penis, I really don't. I would except his flaws, but I guess that only makes one of us. I was free of him renting space in my head only 2 short months ago. Now he is always in every thought I think. Every where I go things remind me of him. His stupid truck that I see every where. The way he dresses , his stupid beard, that smile, and laugh, his little smirk, and those damn eyes. His big kissable lips. Everything reminds me of him. I need someone new, or the last 2 months erased from my memory. I never thought I would be this kind of girl, its like the asshole has this hold on me. I never understood how my friends could be so stupid when it came to boys, and now... now I do. I am just like them, a weak hopeless girl. Wishing that he was different, and knowing he isn't but have faith and hope that he will and can change. I feel like I am in a trans and numb emotional driven trans.

Revengeful Lust

Im always right. I know that, that sounds sooo conceded but its true. I was right that I was Andy's revenge, sean had a new girl, that Ivan would show up at starbucks, that our friendship with all the boys was going to end. I am always right. The sucky part is I am right in all the wrong realms of my life. I am never right about happy shit. Today I got promoted and had my second day of rushing. But the moment I am not surrounded by people I fall back into my hole. I feel lonely and used. I have never been wanted for anything more then what I could give someone. I let my stupid guard down and I GET FUCKING USED EVERY FUCKING TIME! I feel so stupid, like I am forever to be used. Men look at me, but its with these eyes of lust. Never as love a interest, nothing beyond sex. I sometime wish I would never have known how amazing life can feel, how amazing it is to be kissed and cuddle. I dont believe in love even more then before. All guys what the same thing nothing more. I see men as scum. And the worst part is I have to see my scum all the fucking time. FUCK I DO IT TO MYSELF, just hoping he will realize how amazing I am how cute I am how much he should be with me. But it wont happen I will always be the hook up, the revenge, the easy one...I hate myself.

I want...

I got what I wanted again. You see I really liked this boy for well... pretty much all of high school. He was one of my best friends older brother. I reallllyyy liked him, like he was the one that broke my heart without even trying. I made him out to be this person in my head and that person broke my heart. Well on the 14 my friend had a little shin dig at her house and he was there. I had one to many and ended up in his room with him. I can't believe no one tried stopping me. I did a little to much (I still have my V card). I guess the lesson for me this summer was "What you want, isn't always what you expect it to be". I fantasied about him. How we would go on a date of mini golf. He would put his arms around me and we would kiss, then after a little time we would fool around. WELL BOY WAS I WRONG. I blame drunk me for this. I just really want a boy who will want to mini golf with me on the first date and not try and get head. I want a boy who will tell me to go to sleep when I have drank to much, and will just let me fall asleep on his chest. I want a man. I guess as my tattoo said "Everything Happens For A Reason".

I start College in a few hours. Its kinda strange to think about. High school ended for me and life really did begin. I had to pay bills, started smoking, all I did was work and hang out with friends, got rejected for my only love (CSz), Hooked up with people ( sober and drunk). Well I have a resolution. Lets call it my summer one. I never did make a new years one... Well my resolution is... No more living in the past. This is my future. I will make friends. I will RUSH. I will take my life in my hands, and I will be okay with were it goes from here. Cuz there is a reason I did not get what I wanted in some areas of my life. There is a plan for me and I am traveling on it. So college here is to you. May we get along and you teach me and I will teach you.

Cheers to the future of this 18 year old child.