Sorry for my spelling and grammar

Im in love, like really true blue love. Ive never felt so scared in my fucking life. My heart melts when he tells me he loves me. I feel warm and safe, and like no one else matters. Its this feeling cant really handle. Its so fucking hard to knw that some one loves you. The fact that tey could just leave and thats it...your loss apart of your heart. Its nights like these that I feel the lowest that i think about my life and whats happend, whats happening, and what might happen. Whats happening is I am scared...so fucking scarred that my heart wants to run into my feet and my mind just wants an easy release. My friends and I are at this stand still. Mae lost her mom and since then its like I am a horrible person. I think she might just tigh memeories of the end with me, and maybe its just hard for her to have me around. Or maybe Im just met to leave her. She is my best friend, but i have never felt so much coldness from one human being. Who do you turn too when the person that was always there is gone? I want to tell my best firend now fucking scared I am that I am in love, and how badly i want to ruin it and go crazy so that way i dont have to worry about him breaking my heart in the future...that andy lives in my brain. that i wish i could take it all back from him. that i miss who i was, that new melissa kinda sucks. that I dont like myself anymore. that ima sad again, and i dont know how to make me okay. that i just want to say fuck it. i feel like i cant do life anymore. I liked life along time ago, but then again i hated life then too. i dont think that I will ever be one of those people that is ever really happy.. i will alawys see the sad, negitive, gross place i have created this world to be in my eyes. I guess things arnt that bad, i just am sick of feeling overwhelmed. but no lie, being in love is fucking mind blowing.

Another mental night.

Im sitting here, on a friday night alone with no word from the boyfriend and no real chance at seeing him. So who comes into my mind...you of course...who else. I miss you still. Its been around 3 months since I have heard from you...I dont think we have ever gone this long...not in the year we were fucking around. I guess this time its really over. I found someone new, he is pretty amazing. Emotionally there, caring, kissy, amazing in bed, he loves me so much. That last part is what scares me the most. He loves me,and I dont know if I love him as much...I mean I know I love him but you rent more space in my head then he does. Thats not okay with me. Its so hard to not know whats going on with you. I wish I could just run into you...I need to run into you. I need to see you one last time, I need to say my peace. Why did you out of all the fucking people in this world be the one that is forever going to mean the most to me? Got Andy I miss you, and there isnt much to miss. I dont know why I felt so strong for you, and I wish people would understand. I know that this is whats meant to happen, but fuck it. I want to stop going back to you when ever I have a bad day of ima emotionally weak. My boy just texted me, and all I want to do instead is cry, smoke a bowl, and sleep. I dont feel emotionally right anymore. Like i feel like I have finally lost something and its time I find it. I want more then this. I need more then this. I want people, I need people. Please send me good solid people universe.