Sorry for my spelling and grammar

Im in love, like really true blue love. Ive never felt so scared in my fucking life. My heart melts when he tells me he loves me. I feel warm and safe, and like no one else matters. Its this feeling cant really handle. Its so fucking hard to knw that some one loves you. The fact that tey could just leave and thats it...your loss apart of your heart. Its nights like these that I feel the lowest that i think about my life and whats happend, whats happening, and what might happen. Whats happening is I am scared...so fucking scarred that my heart wants to run into my feet and my mind just wants an easy release. My friends and I are at this stand still. Mae lost her mom and since then its like I am a horrible person. I think she might just tigh memeories of the end with me, and maybe its just hard for her to have me around. Or maybe Im just met to leave her. She is my best friend, but i have never felt so much coldness from one human being. Who do you turn too when the person that was always there is gone? I want to tell my best firend now fucking scared I am that I am in love, and how badly i want to ruin it and go crazy so that way i dont have to worry about him breaking my heart in the future...that andy lives in my brain. that i wish i could take it all back from him. that i miss who i was, that new melissa kinda sucks. that I dont like myself anymore. that ima sad again, and i dont know how to make me okay. that i just want to say fuck it. i feel like i cant do life anymore. I liked life along time ago, but then again i hated life then too. i dont think that I will ever be one of those people that is ever really happy.. i will alawys see the sad, negitive, gross place i have created this world to be in my eyes. I guess things arnt that bad, i just am sick of feeling overwhelmed. but no lie, being in love is fucking mind blowing.

Another mental night.

Im sitting here, on a friday night alone with no word from the boyfriend and no real chance at seeing him. So who comes into my mind...you of course...who else. I miss you still. Its been around 3 months since I have heard from you...I dont think we have ever gone this long...not in the year we were fucking around. I guess this time its really over. I found someone new, he is pretty amazing. Emotionally there, caring, kissy, amazing in bed, he loves me so much. That last part is what scares me the most. He loves me,and I dont know if I love him as much...I mean I know I love him but you rent more space in my head then he does. Thats not okay with me. Its so hard to not know whats going on with you. I wish I could just run into you...I need to run into you. I need to see you one last time, I need to say my peace. Why did you out of all the fucking people in this world be the one that is forever going to mean the most to me? Got Andy I miss you, and there isnt much to miss. I dont know why I felt so strong for you, and I wish people would understand. I know that this is whats meant to happen, but fuck it. I want to stop going back to you when ever I have a bad day of ima emotionally weak. My boy just texted me, and all I want to do instead is cry, smoke a bowl, and sleep. I dont feel emotionally right anymore. Like i feel like I have finally lost something and its time I find it. I want more then this. I need more then this. I want people, I need people. Please send me good solid people universe.

Weak Night

I thought you were out of my head at this point. That I was free of you. But im not, and I miss you. I miss the fucked up thing that we had. I miss the pain, and the release I got when I finally had you for the few simple hours. I miss your kiss, the way it felt to have your arms around me. Things were so wrong,and so fucked up and it hurt alot of people what we were doing, but it felt like I was supposed to be in that situation with you. No matter how wrong I know it was, I will forever want you Andy. I hope, and wish that one day down the road when we are different people in different places we will be able to have one more time together. I can kiss you again. I miss you. I miss looking at you from a distance while sitting on the couch next to megan. I miss our awkard glances at each other and that kiss. The one after alex and I. I never felt so much passion for another person like I did in that moment. It was like I was the only thing you wanted in the whole world, like nothing else mattered to you. Andy I loved you. With the most pure love anyone can feel. I still remember that first time we were left alone in the house together. It was at the old house, and as you got closer to me to look at the computer my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I could breath having you that close to me. I was maybe 16 and you were the most amazing guy I had ever known. I would go anywhere if I knew you would be there. You shaped the person I am today. You did so much in my life that I didnt even notice. Andy I loved you. I wanted to be good enough for you. But im not, and Ill never be. Thats what hurts the most. Ill never be "her", your dream girl. Your blond skinny beautiful thing. Im just me. this loud fat ginger. YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD ME I WAS PRETTY, but i gave you my virginity anyway. Thinking that that would make you want me. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND ALL I WAS LEFT WITH WAS THESE FEELINGS, THESE FUCKING USELESS FEELING. I will never be good enough for you or for anyone is how I feel. Like im just not enough. My own fucking father does want me. So why would you. I wanted to give you so much, to be that girl that made your life better. I JUST FUCKING WANTED YOU.

Its life, death is the only thing that we are promised

Its that morbid end, the sweet eternal release

Life is sweet, Oh so sweet

We drink it like a drug.

Living in an elicit dream.

Taking each day and tossing it away

Telling our glutton self "Hey I have tomorrow anyway"

Yet tomorrow should not be a word we use

For tomorrow is a scam

A lie

Tomorrow is not given

Today is all we have

Yesterday was what was given

The memorise that God graced us with

Those are the given

For death waits

Behind every corner

Waiting for us to take our final breath

Its death that gets to see tomorrow

For death is just tomorrow.

10/4/11 RIP

She died today, and with her a little piece of my best friend did too. You where like a second mother to me. You cared and you loved the people you let into your heart with such a fire that it put most other love to shame. You where a fire cracker, when so many others were just duds. You spoke your mind and didnt care. I understand why you are your daughters hero.

I miss a lot.

Its been so long since I wrote here. But I am in need of a vessel for what the fuck is going on in my head. I am so happy, but then the universe keeps reminding me that I have to stay the realist path. I can be happy, but I have to remember that for every good thing that comes my way...just as many bad are behind it. I miss Andy. I miss him everyday. I listen to counrty music just to feel close to him.... like maybe he is listening to the same song and in some strange way we are still connected. I miss megan and how we were. I miss alot of things. I hate myself for fucking up college, and for not trying...for letting myself fail... well me. So I am starting over, I am going to be a positive person. I want a good life, I like smiling and seeing the beauty in everything. My life is sucky alot, but its amazing. I finally see that life really is what you make it. I might miss alot of things, I might hate things I have done. But thats just who I am. I cant let that eat me alive. I am a good person with a big heart. I need to remember who I am and the person I want to become.

Its just sex

It’s the first kiss…when the room is still and all the noises are just a hum. How he looks you in the eyes with the right mixture of passion lust and need. Its that moment when you lips finally turn into mush with one another, and after a while kissing just isn’t enough and his hands start to wonder, and your hand rap around his neck. Giving him the freedom to do what he pleases with your body. You let him wonder around, get to know all your curves. Forgetting the places that make you wish you where someone else with someone else’s body. You let him take what he wants as long as you get to moan for a little. He runs his hands down to your pants letting loss the buttons, pulling off everything that keeps him from entering your own wonderland. He raps him mouth around your breast, bitting just hard enough to make you wince. He takes his time with you. Knowing that the more he invests into your body the louder you will be for him. For he feeds off your sounds. They are what bring him to his climaxes. He plunges into places that take your whole body to a land of tingles and lip biting joy. At this point your lost, he has you now. There is no return and in this moment nothing matters. You wont think about what tomorrow will bring. What emotion you will have to tend too. It is simply lust sprinkled with the right amount of love. For I know all too well that the next day is not a beautiful as this moment. That you sit in a pile of regret, wishing he would call you. Hoping that you can be his again….that you can be his forever…but always knowing that its just lust…there is no love.

just a short rant

I get dressed up for you, i shave parts of me that i wish i didnt have to, i change my life to fit what you want of me....and for what mister?! FOR FUCKKKIINNNGG WHAT?! For you to change the game, to start calling the shots?! No this is our order...you ignore me for 2 weeks then text me...i play foolish and then we have sex! Stick to the plan...because honeslty anything other then that plan would make actual sense and then i would have to see how truely stupid i really am.

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Last night things went to far. I mean after all the things i have written about him, all the hurt he has caused me...i go and have sex with him. How fucking weak can i be. He doesnt talk to be for over a week and the moment i hear from him its on...i cant believe my self. I never actually thought it wouold get to this point. I want so much more and he isnt willing to give that. He wants a girl he can skrew around with when he is bored. I want so badly to read into his sweet moment...to say "yes he care, couldnt you tell he was so kind" but he doesnt care, and if he does then he sure as hell dosnt know how to fucking show it. I want him to want me like i want him, but that just doesnt seem to be in the cards for me this time. He is everything to me and i am just sex to him...why the fuck did girls get given these fucking emotions? Why cant guys just show a little bit of fucking care? Its not that much to ask... i promise i want use it agains you. I am not like that... i know what its like to hate being vonerable, but come on cant you just for once show me a softer side? And to make matters worst...their going to know. His stupid little friends. My firend want me to be happy they have seen my love and want for him for over 5 years....i am just now his hook up... that stupid girl that he gets to use. And now its taken to a larger much more painful level. Fuckkk what did i do last night???

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