This little heart of mine

I need to get this off my chest, and him off my mind. I seriously think a little alien has taken over my brain and put in a "girl" chip. I have never been this kind of girl. I feel weak and stupid. I just want him to see me and want me. Want me beyond sex. I feel like that will never happen...no not feel I know it wont. He is a little boy in a 21 year old body. Yup 21 today actually, and my stupid self wished him happy birthday. I just want things to be normal again. I don't want to feel this way. Its like my heart is not its self anymore. All I think about is him, my dreams have him in them, I want to bring him up in convo, I want to hang out with her just so I can see him and hope he said something to me, and realizes how amazing I am. I would be such an amazing girlfriend. Who cares if he has a tiny penis, I really don't. I would except his flaws, but I guess that only makes one of us. I was free of him renting space in my head only 2 short months ago. Now he is always in every thought I think. Every where I go things remind me of him. His stupid truck that I see every where. The way he dresses , his stupid beard, that smile, and laugh, his little smirk, and those damn eyes. His big kissable lips. Everything reminds me of him. I need someone new, or the last 2 months erased from my memory. I never thought I would be this kind of girl, its like the asshole has this hold on me. I never understood how my friends could be so stupid when it came to boys, and now... now I do. I am just like them, a weak hopeless girl. Wishing that he was different, and knowing he isn't but have faith and hope that he will and can change. I feel like I am in a trans and numb emotional driven trans.

Revengeful Lust

Im always right. I know that, that sounds sooo conceded but its true. I was right that I was Andy's revenge, sean had a new girl, that Ivan would show up at starbucks, that our friendship with all the boys was going to end. I am always right. The sucky part is I am right in all the wrong realms of my life. I am never right about happy shit. Today I got promoted and had my second day of rushing. But the moment I am not surrounded by people I fall back into my hole. I feel lonely and used. I have never been wanted for anything more then what I could give someone. I let my stupid guard down and I GET FUCKING USED EVERY FUCKING TIME! I feel so stupid, like I am forever to be used. Men look at me, but its with these eyes of lust. Never as love a interest, nothing beyond sex. I sometime wish I would never have known how amazing life can feel, how amazing it is to be kissed and cuddle. I dont believe in love even more then before. All guys what the same thing nothing more. I see men as scum. And the worst part is I have to see my scum all the fucking time. FUCK I DO IT TO MYSELF, just hoping he will realize how amazing I am how cute I am how much he should be with me. But it wont happen I will always be the hook up, the revenge, the easy one...I hate myself.