Do you dapple in depression?

I guess this is what you get then you want. Maybe buddha was a genius. When you don't want you don't feel the crushing blow that happens when you don't get it. I finally got what I wanted and you know where that let me... right here writing about how down I am. I feel low and stupid. I AM NEVER THE GIRL THAT FEELS STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS. I am the rock, the stone hearted bitch. I am not the girl that gets hurt. The only nice thing is I have gotten some art jump from this all. I am writing again, painting, creating. Maybe I am just too deep for love, or even a normal relationship. I think I thrive on pain and misery. I know its a fucked up thing to say but its true. I am so accustom to these feeling that I feel like I am home again. I don't really have any reason to exist right now. I dont have a team that needs me. I don't have a boy. or classes I have to do work for. My job sucks. My household is falling apart. I graduated high school and got shoved into sorrow. I am a grown up with nothing to look forward to. I guess this is why adults look so miserable. I am one of them now. A miserable human, that smokes to keep my self calm. I just want a cigg and song playing. Those are my happiness now. O joy what has my life become?

ChChChChanges

Last night I got what I wanted. Let me start by saying that I have never had the best luck with boys or men, I am the one they just look right through. Normally when I like someone I get to like from a far, I wish that they would like me, I daydream about how it would be if we went out or if we kissed or cuddled. But last night that normal dream came true. I thought today I would be so happy like living in bliss...But im not. I am second guessing everything wondering why isn't he texting me, and blah blah blah. Something doesn't feel right about all this. I have this bad feeling and maybe im just second guessing my self, maybe its self sabotage or maybe I just don't like being happy. Honestly I want to be able to enjoy these moments, but instead I am sitting here writing down all my thoughts about how unsure I am. I am 18 just graduated high school, just went to prom had all those high school last and now my adult life starts and this is what is thrown at me. I am not saying I am not happy, I am fucking stoked beyond belief! I finally got what I wanted, a guy that I have like for months now. Have facebook stocked (kinda sorta) for months now. I guess I don't deal well with getting what I want or happiness or any of that normal stuff. I just want to be happy, I think this is the first time I have ever ranted about a boy like this. I just want to be happy and back to myself but with maybe someone new with me.