Just Don't

Strange days have found me. This world that I live in is so small and you are all out there, and im just waiting for that awkward run in. When it does happen is overwhelming and I run though my head for days trying to figure out what the fuck had happend. 90% of the post on this blog of mine are about him. Its like this is my only safe place to put these thoughts. I wish I could write about boyfriend more. I just dont know what to say about him. He loves me and its all so simple...but Him...he lights this feeling inside of my center. It feels like someone turned life on again. I dont feel the numb, I feel excited. I miss feeling, I tell people im so happy. I guess if someone really asked I could tell them that really..."Im a hot fucking mess in my head all the time, and I smoke all these weed so I can stay numb and ignore the world. That I miss my best friend more then I miss anything. That I hate that I could hurt her so much and that I just wish I could fix it. That I feel like I walk around this life with part of me missing. Or that fact that I am in love with two people, two totally different kinds of love and I feel like my heart is falling apart and I dont want to hurt this amazing person I love, but he has to change and who that fuck am I to tell him to. I want to scream and leave. I want to pack all my shit up and head out into the world. I want to be free of this life. But I cant leave my mom, and how im chained to this world. I feel so fucking stuck in this place with these damn faces and stupid stories that I have heard to many fucking times. How I FUCKING REGRET NOT GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL. How i just want to make something of myself and im not going to slack off anymore. I WANT MY LIFE TO MEAN SOMETHING. I need to give up these fears I have and JUST LIVE. Because just being isnt enough anymore." I think that would scare most people. I honestly dont know what to do anymore.

21

I cant believe you wont be there when i turn the big 21. This life is so different then anything i had planned. I wish sometimes for something to change, like a big change something to rattle my life...but in a postive way. I want an adventure, and for once i am seeing its all on me to make it happen. I miss you, more and more everyday. You will never know how much, but its deep. Its like loosing your sister, and soul mate. Heres to you, may your day be filled with light, love, and more positive days then negitive.

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You texted me again. This time you told me you had loved me, and that you have never felt for a girl like you did for me. I wish you could have felt this back then. Oh how life is, and the things we wanted and the things we can have now. Im worth more then you made me feel. Finally... goodbye Andy.

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My world is falling apart.

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My not sure how to feel. Ive never not had a best friend. No one will ever be mae again. She has known me and my life for so long, i never had to explain anything. We were just memories, stacked on memories. We had our own way of communicating. I feel like i broke up with someone, so much has changed. Life has no real direction. Its never been this way before.

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Its okay that you deleted me from your life. Its making getting over this easier. I just hope that one day we can talk again, but who knows. Whatever happens know that I will always be here for you... its a loyalty thing.

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I didnt know it was possible to feel so alone.

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Its hard these days. I feel so lost inside, a pain ive never know is taking over. Its new and its numbing and it hurts in a strange way. Life is taking me on such a strange trip and i wish i knew where. Things around me are in disorder, yet inside i am so calm. I so wish i could run away. Somewhere new, but ive done that time and time again. And i always end up me. Its like i cant out run me, but i dont want to live in this head. I miss my best firend, i miss the happy times, i miss so much these days. I know brighter days are to come, i just wish they could hurry up.

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Another day...

Sometimes its just too hard to miss someone. Its just better to close that door in your mind. To just move forward and not look back. Memories are just the past trying to bring you down. I'm just sad that you dont care. Thinking about everything makes my heart feel like a stone is sitting on it. People just dont understand how it feels to have your sister turn her back on you. Maybe one day things will change, but I doubt it.

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i had the most amazing anniversary.

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july 22 2012

Mae gave up on our friendship today. I am chosing to be numb about it all. Writing about it isnt an option but i know i will care about this date in the future. Man growing up sucks.

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one year ago

Aug 14th. A date burned into my brain. Last year i as at work and you texxted me telling me it was over and i deserved better...a year later i will be at work again, only this time i have found better. I think about you less and less. Dont get me wrong i would love to be stuck in a room with you so i could pick your brain, but it is not possible and thats a good thing. Idk just felt like the right time to blog.

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aug 8th

The 14th will be a year since things were called quits and i moved on. Its 6 days from that and i finally run into you. I feel like i am buzzing. I hope you saw me and thought "damn i fucked up" but sadly i doubt it.

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I like how fast the days go, when your totally numb.

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july 22 2012

Mae gave up on our friendship today. I am chosing to be numb about it all. Writing about it isnt an option but i know i will care about this date in the future. Man growing up sucks.

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Im the loser friend. The one no one likes. I feel like its not worth it. I hate being alone so much. Like soo much. Fuck ima so over this. WHY THE FUCK CANT I HAVE FUN AND BE YOUNG WHY AM I SO FUCK IT. FUCK THIS LIFE, IMA SO OVER IT.

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Signed, lost and scared.

You know what sucks. When you are 20 and everything falls apart, and you might end up with out a home, and all you wanna do is focus on having a good education but everything seems to be agains you. I am so worried about everything, and there is no one to talk to. When i do talk people just dont understand so they just act like its no big deal. I am begainning to feel like my life is just a joke and no one ever felt like telling me. So all i do now is write. I write my thoughts all the time. Its the only way to feel better. Now i must clock in to my job and play happy for a few hours. Dear universe, all mighty gods, whole ever is listening. Please help my household. I cant handle this much longer.

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what do you do when you have no one to talk to?

The worst thing is to have so much in your head but you cant say any of it out loud. I feel trapped, I need things to change O god i need things to change. i dont think i can stand this all much longer. I feel like i might break at any moment.

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best friend

Tonight you finally told be how you feel. Im sorry best friend that i suck apparently. Im sorry that i have a big mouth. But i am who i am. I cant change everything just so you can like me. Maybe this is growing up, maybe losing people is just part of it. Maybe i need this. I have no idea anymore who you and i are to eachother. I think you would be so much happier if you could just runaway with him. And you know what thats fine. Life changes people, it just does. I miss you, but maybe this is how its supposed to be. Who really knows anymore. Maybe i need to start taking things more seriously....

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I have no idea whats going on inside this skull of mine. Its like everyday I have this battle with myself. One: i hate facebook and that face that our lives are so tied to it. Two: people suck and can drive. Three: i just wanna go home shower and eat my edible. Four: i really love that this is an app. None of this is deep like i always try to be, but i have no one to really talk to anymore, so i might as well make the internet my friend.

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