that kind of night

I wish things could be different between up. I mean, i dont want to be with you but i wish we could have been friends. Its sucks knowing that the first boy you ever feel for, ever had sex with, ever really cried over if completely gone. You would never hold a convo with me if we meet in person. I just wish i could have lived it over. Done things differently. I feel like life is boring and im not living my dreams. I guess ima on the right path, school, work, love, friends, hobbies. I just miss the excitment you added to my life. It was like all else might be boring, but i had you. And those awkward moment when i would have to sit in your kitchen full of the girls and your mom and your sister and act like i didnt know what it was like to have you kiss my neck, or run your hands over my body. Like i didnt know how those lips felt on mine. I had to act like you and i didnt really happen. But then hours later i would return and we would get lost in those small moments. As much as i think you dont care, i now deep down you must. I showed you a girl could be head over heels for you. I didnt so many stupid things over and over and over and hell i still write about you almost a year later. I am in lvoe with an amazing man and yet its still your face i see. I wish sometimes that love didnt touch us like it does. If i could have picked it would not have been you. You never even told me i was pretty. And that hurts like a bitch everyday. I have never been good enought ever and now i have someone that looks at me like and the the sun and the moon. He loves me all of me and yet here i am at midnight write about you. Fuck i hate this. I hate that i still drive by your damn fucking house or down your "friends" street. I wish i didnt hope to run into you. I wish you could see how amazing i look now, and how fun i am. I am not the same girl from 9 months ago. But thats okay...your loss not mine.

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