You texted me again. This time you told me you had loved me, and that you have never felt for a girl like you did for me. I wish you could have felt this back then. Oh how life is, and the things we wanted and the things we can have now. Im worth more then you made me feel. Finally... goodbye Andy.

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My world is falling apart.

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My not sure how to feel. Ive never not had a best friend. No one will ever be mae again. She has known me and my life for so long, i never had to explain anything. We were just memories, stacked on memories. We had our own way of communicating. I feel like i broke up with someone, so much has changed. Life has no real direction. Its never been this way before.

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Its okay that you deleted me from your life. Its making getting over this easier. I just hope that one day we can talk again, but who knows. Whatever happens know that I will always be here for you... its a loyalty thing.

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I didnt know it was possible to feel so alone.

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Its hard these days. I feel so lost inside, a pain ive never know is taking over. Its new and its numbing and it hurts in a strange way. Life is taking me on such a strange trip and i wish i knew where. Things around me are in disorder, yet inside i am so calm. I so wish i could run away. Somewhere new, but ive done that time and time again. And i always end up me. Its like i cant out run me, but i dont want to live in this head. I miss my best firend, i miss the happy times, i miss so much these days. I know brighter days are to come, i just wish they could hurry up.

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Another day...

Sometimes its just too hard to miss someone. Its just better to close that door in your mind. To just move forward and not look back. Memories are just the past trying to bring you down. I'm just sad that you dont care. Thinking about everything makes my heart feel like a stone is sitting on it. People just dont understand how it feels to have your sister turn her back on you. Maybe one day things will change, but I doubt it.

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i had the most amazing anniversary.

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july 22 2012

Mae gave up on our friendship today. I am chosing to be numb about it all. Writing about it isnt an option but i know i will care about this date in the future. Man growing up sucks.

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one year ago

Aug 14th. A date burned into my brain. Last year i as at work and you texxted me telling me it was over and i deserved better...a year later i will be at work again, only this time i have found better. I think about you less and less. Dont get me wrong i would love to be stuck in a room with you so i could pick your brain, but it is not possible and thats a good thing. Idk just felt like the right time to blog.

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aug 8th

The 14th will be a year since things were called quits and i moved on. Its 6 days from that and i finally run into you. I feel like i am buzzing. I hope you saw me and thought "damn i fucked up" but sadly i doubt it.

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I like how fast the days go, when your totally numb.

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july 22 2012

Mae gave up on our friendship today. I am chosing to be numb about it all. Writing about it isnt an option but i know i will care about this date in the future. Man growing up sucks.

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Im the loser friend. The one no one likes. I feel like its not worth it. I hate being alone so much. Like soo much. Fuck ima so over this. WHY THE FUCK CANT I HAVE FUN AND BE YOUNG WHY AM I SO FUCK IT. FUCK THIS LIFE, IMA SO OVER IT.

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Signed, lost and scared.

You know what sucks. When you are 20 and everything falls apart, and you might end up with out a home, and all you wanna do is focus on having a good education but everything seems to be agains you. I am so worried about everything, and there is no one to talk to. When i do talk people just dont understand so they just act like its no big deal. I am begainning to feel like my life is just a joke and no one ever felt like telling me. So all i do now is write. I write my thoughts all the time. Its the only way to feel better. Now i must clock in to my job and play happy for a few hours. Dear universe, all mighty gods, whole ever is listening. Please help my household. I cant handle this much longer.

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what do you do when you have no one to talk to?

The worst thing is to have so much in your head but you cant say any of it out loud. I feel trapped, I need things to change O god i need things to change. i dont think i can stand this all much longer. I feel like i might break at any moment.

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best friend

Tonight you finally told be how you feel. Im sorry best friend that i suck apparently. Im sorry that i have a big mouth. But i am who i am. I cant change everything just so you can like me. Maybe this is growing up, maybe losing people is just part of it. Maybe i need this. I have no idea anymore who you and i are to eachother. I think you would be so much happier if you could just runaway with him. And you know what thats fine. Life changes people, it just does. I miss you, but maybe this is how its supposed to be. Who really knows anymore. Maybe i need to start taking things more seriously....

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I have no idea whats going on inside this skull of mine. Its like everyday I have this battle with myself. One: i hate facebook and that face that our lives are so tied to it. Two: people suck and can drive. Three: i just wanna go home shower and eat my edible. Four: i really love that this is an app. None of this is deep like i always try to be, but i have no one to really talk to anymore, so i might as well make the internet my friend.

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I started this so long ago, and yet I feel like I am still that same lost girl. I have lived though more, seen more, felt heart break. I was a virgin when I started this. Not just in the normal sense, but in a kinda of sheltered way. I was behind on so much. Yet, now I write. My words are simple, I feel lost still. Its a different kind tho. I think about too much, but none of it means anything. I just want life to start and for me to take my place in the drivers seat. I dont know what my future hold. Who I will be, or if I will even like myself. All I do know is that it my life. I choose the people, the stories, and hurt, and love, and every fucking little thing. I hope these good days keep coming. They feel so fresh. Like I can finally see the sunny days again.

that kind of night

I wish things could be different between up. I mean, i dont want to be with you but i wish we could have been friends. Its sucks knowing that the first boy you ever feel for, ever had sex with, ever really cried over if completely gone. You would never hold a convo with me if we meet in person. I just wish i could have lived it over. Done things differently. I feel like life is boring and im not living my dreams. I guess ima on the right path, school, work, love, friends, hobbies. I just miss the excitment you added to my life. It was like all else might be boring, but i had you. And those awkward moment when i would have to sit in your kitchen full of the girls and your mom and your sister and act like i didnt know what it was like to have you kiss my neck, or run your hands over my body. Like i didnt know how those lips felt on mine. I had to act like you and i didnt really happen. But then hours later i would return and we would get lost in those small moments. As much as i think you dont care, i now deep down you must. I showed you a girl could be head over heels for you. I didnt so many stupid things over and over and over and hell i still write about you almost a year later. I am in lvoe with an amazing man and yet its still your face i see. I wish sometimes that love didnt touch us like it does. If i could have picked it would not have been you. You never even told me i was pretty. And that hurts like a bitch everyday. I have never been good enought ever and now i have someone that looks at me like and the the sun and the moon. He loves me all of me and yet here i am at midnight write about you. Fuck i hate this. I hate that i still drive by your damn fucking house or down your "friends" street. I wish i didnt hope to run into you. I wish you could see how amazing i look now, and how fun i am. I am not the same girl from 9 months ago. But thats okay...your loss not mine.

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feb 29th

I needed to blog on this day, it wont happen for another 4 years.

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positive for once people

You texted me, around the 30th. It was a shock to say the least. I thought it would mean more, make me feel better, i dont know maybe just set me free...and it did. I feel free, now i have to give myself time to morn for what was, and what i have now let go. You no longer rent the space you once did. He lives there now, crawling into every part of my brain...making me smile thinking of his kiss or his arms around me as I sleep. He is everything you couldnt be for me. He is my heart mender. He found me when I was at the weakest...I never realized how low you made me feel. I felt like I was worthless, that no one would care. THAT MY FRIEND IS BULLSHIT. I thank you for sending me that text. I am free from you, from your sister, your family, even brandon...thank god, the toxic is not worth the chance of super powers. 2012 started like it needed to. I look forward to this year. I hope that the dreams I have put into it come true. My life is slowly going to become what I want. I found someone who gets me, and that is amazing. I have friends...maybe not alot but they are there and thats what matters. My secrets have been told and now i wait...because I dont have a crystal ball, so the future is unknown...but for once in my life...I can live with that.