Weak Night

I thought you were out of my head at this point. That I was free of you. But im not, and I miss you. I miss the fucked up thing that we had. I miss the pain, and the release I got when I finally had you for the few simple hours. I miss your kiss, the way it felt to have your arms around me. Things were so wrong,and so fucked up and it hurt alot of people what we were doing, but it felt like I was supposed to be in that situation with you. No matter how wrong I know it was, I will forever want you Andy. I hope, and wish that one day down the road when we are different people in different places we will be able to have one more time together. I can kiss you again. I miss you. I miss looking at you from a distance while sitting on the couch next to megan. I miss our awkard glances at each other and that kiss. The one after alex and I. I never felt so much passion for another person like I did in that moment. It was like I was the only thing you wanted in the whole world, like nothing else mattered to you. Andy I loved you. With the most pure love anyone can feel. I still remember that first time we were left alone in the house together. It was at the old house, and as you got closer to me to look at the computer my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I could breath having you that close to me. I was maybe 16 and you were the most amazing guy I had ever known. I would go anywhere if I knew you would be there. You shaped the person I am today. You did so much in my life that I didnt even notice. Andy I loved you. I wanted to be good enough for you. But im not, and Ill never be. Thats what hurts the most. Ill never be "her", your dream girl. Your blond skinny beautiful thing. Im just me. this loud fat ginger. YOU NEVER EVEN TOLD ME I WAS PRETTY, but i gave you my virginity anyway. Thinking that that would make you want me. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND ALL I WAS LEFT WITH WAS THESE FEELINGS, THESE FUCKING USELESS FEELING. I will never be good enough for you or for anyone is how I feel. Like im just not enough. My own fucking father does want me. So why would you. I wanted to give you so much, to be that girl that made your life better. I JUST FUCKING WANTED YOU.

Its life, death is the only thing that we are promised

Its that morbid end, the sweet eternal release

Life is sweet, Oh so sweet

We drink it like a drug.

Living in an elicit dream.

Taking each day and tossing it away

Telling our glutton self "Hey I have tomorrow anyway"

Yet tomorrow should not be a word we use

For tomorrow is a scam

A lie

Tomorrow is not given

Today is all we have

Yesterday was what was given

The memorise that God graced us with

Those are the given

For death waits

Behind every corner

Waiting for us to take our final breath

Its death that gets to see tomorrow

For death is just tomorrow.

10/4/11 RIP

She died today, and with her a little piece of my best friend did too. You where like a second mother to me. You cared and you loved the people you let into your heart with such a fire that it put most other love to shame. You where a fire cracker, when so many others were just duds. You spoke your mind and didnt care. I understand why you are your daughters hero.