I miss a lot.

Its been so long since I wrote here. But I am in need of a vessel for what the fuck is going on in my head. I am so happy, but then the universe keeps reminding me that I have to stay the realist path. I can be happy, but I have to remember that for every good thing that comes my way...just as many bad are behind it. I miss Andy. I miss him everyday. I listen to counrty music just to feel close to him.... like maybe he is listening to the same song and in some strange way we are still connected. I miss megan and how we were. I miss alot of things. I hate myself for fucking up college, and for not trying...for letting myself fail... well me. So I am starting over, I am going to be a positive person. I want a good life, I like smiling and seeing the beauty in everything. My life is sucky alot, but its amazing. I finally see that life really is what you make it. I might miss alot of things, I might hate things I have done. But thats just who I am. I cant let that eat me alive. I am a good person with a big heart. I need to remember who I am and the person I want to become.